If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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