I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
last night I used snow as a chaser
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
