i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
