Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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