I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
