I think i sorta joined a cult last night
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
