I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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