it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize