she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
