I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
