This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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