Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
