Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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