Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize