the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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