Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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