Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
