I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
