I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Randomize
