you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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