I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
