Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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