The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
