I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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