apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
