my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
