I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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