Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
