I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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