Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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