i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
