well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
