Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
