Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
