I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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