I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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