All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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