she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
