Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize