we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
