I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
