Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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