How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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