I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
