Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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