there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
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