I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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