he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
we're making bets on your personal life
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
