alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
