anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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