why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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