guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
