someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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