I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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