hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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