My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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