Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
