If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
