she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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