So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize