i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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